March 27, 2005

Presidential Perversion: On the Wishlist for 2005

This guest post is by the always funny, newly prolific Courtney of cdeluxe. 

Here is my dirty secret:  I want a good old fashioned scandal for this administration.  One so nasty it could give you a rash.  One that redefines lowbrow and puts the “rank” in “high ranking official.” And the main character in this filthy little drama?  Why, our president, of course - Mr. Mandate himself.

We’ve already had a presidential sex scandal in our lifetimes, see. But it was two consenting adults and somehow, the Democrats’ love affair with one of the principals continues to endure.   We need something that is so inexcusable and so tawdry that Bushies will genuflect and wail and question themselves into lifetimes of paralyzing self-doubt.  The administration will topple like a box of Cheerios, the detritus tumbling everywhere.  The puppet masters and sycophants will roll under the nearest cover and pray they stay hidden; the others will get crushed into powder underfoot.

Bush’s trademark sneer – the constant and indelible sign that he is, indeed, a smug asshole - will be permanently wiped from his face. It will be replaced by a look of horrified incredulity. Not the kind of look that crosses his puss when he sees a three-syllable word, but the kind that comes with a fall from grace so profound, so terrific, that it costs him all that is dear. He will forever wear a mask of stupefaction and shame.

There is one huge flaw with my scenario. I think it has to involve a victim. Help me out here. I cannot imagine a situation without a victim that would cause the requisite amount of horror. Then again, maybe it can simply be old-fashioned perversion. Choke balls, genital mutilation, swinger parties, that sort of thing. Consenting adults, but really f-ed up stuff. But is that going to be awful enough? There is nothing illegal about being a sexual deviant, unless you hold a wife-swap in the Lincoln Bedroom or something. Don’t befoul the Abe, yo. And if Bush pulls any of this dirty business in Texas, I’ll bet there is some backasswards law that makes him not only a nasty little man, but a felon too.

Empathetic yet unoriginal theorists suggest an affair with Condi. Hmph. Too facile, people. And White Southern Republicans having forbidden sex with African American women? So done. Although admittedly, her power and prestige would add a new wrinkle to the age-old tradition. But still, I say, not horrific enough. We need something that will FRIGHTEN the old guard, not bore them.

So somehow lying to get into a war was not a mutually agreed-upon scandal. Neither is this Halliburton atrocity, even though I am permanently slack-jawed at the details. Even his mispronunciations and general duncedom are not widely accepted as scandals. So just give me something frighteningly disastrous, please. I’ll use up my schadenfreude chit with just this one grotesque presidential circus. Then I will be Magnanimous Millie, I promise. Just as pristine of character as anyone with a mandate.

By Courtney in Guest Authors, Humor/Satire | Permalink  | 

Comments

Will these work?

http://mindprod.com/bush.html#gay

http://www.bettybowers.com/isbushgay.html

Posted by: SheaNC | Apr 4, 2005 12:13:57 AM

Ha ha ha.

Man it is so funny to read the desperation in your fools writings...
"Here is my dirty secret: I want a good old fashioned scandal for this administration. "
That is choice. Your liberal idiots that have taken over the once proud Democratic party have so many scandals to hide that you can only WISH that President Bush would have one. This is the biggest problem with you turds. You can not stand that "red" America stood up and voted you ilk out in record numbers. Just wait until '06 and '08, by continuing in the fashion you have, the liberals will have even LESS representation.

Hey its OK to be against the war and to be against Bush. What is wrong is your constant spewing of lies and misinformation. NO crisis with social security? B.S. you OWN liberal leaders have been enshewing this now for the last 20 years.

"In 1983, Reid Tried To Keep Himself And Members Of Congress Out Of Social Security System. "The Republican National Committee (RNC) has resurrected a bill Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) sponsored when he was in the House more than 20 years ago that would have kept members of Congress out of the Social Security program. ... [Reid's] action may seem embarrassing when contrasted with Reid's recent ebullient praise of Social Security ..." (Alexander Bolton, "RNC Finds Bush-Reid Tit-For-Tat," The Hill, 4/26/05) Rep. Adam Smith (D-WA): "[Democrats] Do Not Have A Plan That We Put On The Table." (Fox News' "Hannity & Colmes," 4/28/05) "

Whatever, get over the fact that many of you were beat up in high school, didn't have a girl/boy friend, have pimples, are fat, are stupid, or what ever it is that burns in your soal for retribution and move on. The reat of the world is taking note, today 5/29/05 the French voted DOWN you hero Sher-acks baby. That should begin to show you that this is not what the MAJORITY wants.

Idiots

Posted by: A.D.Hettinger | May 29, 2005 7:49:11 PM

"Enshewing"? "soal"? BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

There's nothing the liberal elite love more than red-state douchebags posting poorly-written tripe. Thank you so everly much.

Posted by: Anonymous | May 30, 2005 12:19:34 PM

A.D Hettinger -- One thing that strikes me over and over is that people who leave extreme right-wing commentary never fail to then resort to grade-school name calling; e.g. liberals "have pimples, are fat, are stupid..." OK, you disagree with, what I must say, is an excellently written, tongue-in-cheek post. Why the need to demean yourself by showing you cannot respond at the same level? And as for your idea that American liberals are necessarily Chirac supporters, you must not have read any of the three posts about the French referendum. Start with "About a President."

Posted by: Overseas Will | May 30, 2005 2:31:28 PM

A.D's comments are hilarious (ostensibly not in the way the author intended), and so badly spelled/written that one hardly needs to mention that he/she has clearly misunderstood the original essay.

Another funny thing about the extreme Right: They never get irony. If they did, they would not find it possible to sustain that level of vapid self-rightousness.

Posted by: dks | May 31, 2005 12:19:25 PM

A.D's comments are hilarious (ostensibly not in the way the author intended), and so badly spelled/written that one hardly needs to mention that he/she has clearly misunderstood the original essay.

Another funny thing about the extreme Right: They never get irony. If they did, they would not find it possible to sustain that level of vapid self-rightousness.

Posted by: dks | May 31, 2005 12:19:26 PM

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